fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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