Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I pour the whiskey from now on
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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