I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
