You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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