He uses pillows to masturbate.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
