I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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