girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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