I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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