Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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