On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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