Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Randomize
