Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
