Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
