I cockslap morals
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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