I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
