he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
