i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
