i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Houston, we have a squirter
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
