Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Randomize
