Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize