I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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