i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
