I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
