Got a toothbrush?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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