did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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