My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
