The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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