Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
