In the future we'll all be gay
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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