I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
