I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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