Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Everything about him screamed your future.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
