If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
