4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
