if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
