My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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