What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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