I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
soo... how was my night?
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