Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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