You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
