I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She even gives head with a lisp.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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