glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
