I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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