...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
