I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
