Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
