90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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