i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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