She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
