I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
