I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
