I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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