i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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