Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
