I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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