dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
