Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
