hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
